All Our IFs

Some things seem to happen, from time to time when you are a counsellor.

This is one of those times. Lately for no apparent reason, one word seems to echo in my mind, each time one of my clients utters it. One seemingly benign word, we use so often, without even thinking. How didn’t I notice it before, is a mystery to me.

I came to question its power and wonder what was the real purpose behind our IFs?

I know it might sound like a strange question. But not if you consider I have, worked for years as a linguist, as well as later studied the way words define our perception of reality. I have learned to never underestimate the value of little words.

IFs look to be particularly important in counselling. In a similar way to some active ingredients like yeast, in baking (yes I was watching the “Great British Bake off”, when this thought came to me), IF seems to start a chemical reaction.

For instance, if added to “what”, it becomes: what if. A door to the future. Not an insignificant one, more like, an invitation to a projection of our hopes or more often than not, when it comes to counselling, our fears. How often do I hear “what if it goes wrong… they don’t … I can’t….people think”. Therefore, when you add any words carrying doubt or fear, behind it, what IF creates a door to our unwanted future and even our nightmares. From then on, we add more what IFs, and their power multiply. Soon you might find yourself in the land of anxiety. All because you used IFs and projected them in the future?

I would like to say the story of the IFs is limited to exploring the future, unfortunately, we have created another ingredient to give it power on the other side of the timeline: “Only”. And now the doors to alternative pasts are open, with as many “If only” as we can conjure up. I hear the “if only I had, if only I could change…”, the most popular being “if only I had known…” so many more regrets, until after going through, door after door, we end up in depression.

Am I then saying, all IFs are a curse on all of us? Shall we ban them from our vocabulary? NO, not at all. They are, as we have seen, a path to our future. But the storyline depends on us. We can look to the future and decide to create some uplifting What IFs: “what if it turns out even better than I thought it would… what if people read this article and really get what I meant… what if I managed to change my and other’s what ifs, to open positive doors to all our futures” (wishful thinking!).

That’s all well and good for the future but what about the past? Actually as I understand it, the past is, what it is. No amount of alternative realities can change it. The best we can do, is try to understand it, learn from it, and move on. As far as I know, we haven’t, as yet, figured out a way to travel back and change it. Thus, I suggest, we put away our “if onlys”, they can only lead us to a labyrinth of regrets.

I think that is all I have to say about magical IFs. But I would love to hear what you have to say about them…

Written by Danielle Entwistle, Hazelwood Counsellor

If you would like help to explore your “Ifs” get in touch with Hazelwood Counselling to arrange an appointment with Danielle or another one of our counsellors, click here